I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
