shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
