3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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