were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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