I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
how drunk are you?
Several
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
