How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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