Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
