Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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