I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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