Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
