and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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