Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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