remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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