My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
