I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
