I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
