I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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