Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
