the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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