He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
