Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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