So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
