her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
