I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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