do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This is classic penis vs brain.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
