I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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