how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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