i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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