He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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