I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
