This is not my ceiling
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
