Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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