I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
