I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
