Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Semen is not good for contacts.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
