I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
