Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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