I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
