Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
