This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
