Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
