I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
