I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
