Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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