we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
apparently the secret to your success is patron
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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