He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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