I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
