I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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