New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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