I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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